So On with it

So on with it:
The day is here, the night has gone and so what to do with this day? Or what to think or not think? Ah that is something to ponder. There are people everyday who wake up knowing exactly what to do, and I mean they have every moment planned down to the millisecond. What does that feel like I used to know when I had a job during the day or my hours were at night. When I worked because I wanted to or because I had to. I used to know when I went to school and there was a schedule planned for me, or my parents told me. But now, nope. It's just what I choose, what I want. I feel like this person who sits and wonders, ponders, and I wonder is that a bad thing? Oh, there are some days I do envy people with these days that they know exactly what their lives are all about, they get every task completed and walk around with chests puffed out and make $ thinking ah you are lazy and do nothing you sit on your ass and do nothing! But do I really???

Behind the whole world's back maybe, just maybe I am doing something and no one knows about it. Maybe I have found greatness, "muchness" (Alice In Wonderland I love that word adding that to my vocab!). Recently I was told by someone I find to be an important part of my own puzzle in life , I Jenn- have a story and when I start to tell it people will listen in whatever way I choose to tell it and appreciate what I have to say. Then I will matter and NO ONE will ever tell me again that I sit on my ass doing nothing. Because what I have done in the quiet corners, the secret rooms of my mind will be there for all to see and the doubters of Jenn- can well; quite simply go fuck themselves.

It is at times very hard to believe in oneself I mean with a brain that runs a muck and a past that is the way it is. But I am gaining ground. I think sometimes shit I am 3 days now away from 40 and where the hell am I where have I gone in this life? But then I do see in the mirror with the wrinkles and stark damn white hair that started growing like uh way too early! And say ya know I have been a lot of places and my brain is full and there are lots of creases in there. Lots of crazy memories full of good, wonderful, frightening, scary, horrific, amazing things, and so many other adjectives I could go on until I have named 100 but I won't. In time my life will catch up to my brain my heart will catch up to my soul and then I will have reached the point where I will share with all the people my greatness, my muchness! But until then it just mine to hold onto.